I am loving the changes in my body. I am loving the lean-ness of my core and my legs. I have been prepping for an NPC Bikini Competition since March 30th. I am closing in my 8 week mark with show prepping. I am closing in on my 3rd week without a single treat/cheat/refeed/refuel. I am proud to admit that I have been 100% perfect on my diet and my fitness regime, and I am sad to admit that I am mentally falling apart. I felt 100% strong and had my bearings about me when cheat meals were involved, but the results were not there, so I cut them out and found my results. I am dropping body fat fast, but here is the trade off: 1. I am exhausted 2. I am an cranky BIOTCH 3. I bite off everyones head around me, and I am feeling that my temper is short with my 2 year old. 4. I want to eat everything in site so bad that I want to cry, in fact I did cry. 5. I have chewed so much of my nails off its gross. 6. I have chewed an entire pack of gum in one day (not proud). My husband has been so patient with me, but he can only withstand so much cranky and snapping. 7. I am exhausted. I can barely see straight while I am doing my cardio. 8. I no longer hang out with friends. I tell everyone that I am not available, and I leave parties and events with a quickness the second food comes into play.
So there you have it, thats where I am at. Let me remind you where I came from: Extreme emotional eating, and 210 LBS 2 years ago. I am not only battling exhaustion from lower carbohydrates, more cardio and heavier lifting, I am also battling an emotional tie to food. My two year old literally puts french fries in my face and I nearly cry. I stared at her banana for 1 solid hour and tossed it in the garbage. You would think… BANANNA IS HEALTHY RIGHT? WHY CANT SHE HAVE THAT?! I cannot eat Sugar, or natural foods with sugar, as the body needs direct access to fat at all times and sugar will block that. Anyway, I have questioned myself time and time again. I have questioned what I am doing, and have asked myself if I am completely out of my mind insane. Seriously, this prep has been insane, and its only been two months. I still have 7 weeks left, and its only going to get more challenging with the upcoming summer holidays, my trip to vegas, and my best friend coming for a beer festival on June 10th. I talk about how much I love the changes in my body and the discipline that I have to practice, however I want you all to realize the sacrifice this is taking. I went to my first NPC show this last weekend and I left talking myself out of doing it. I told myself that it was unhealthy, that it was extreme, and it was all for 2 minutes on a stage with a trophy. I went home and I cried in my room alone, and thought about all of the people I told that I was going to do this, and how I had better not give up on my dreams and my goals. So I wont. I am not stopping, no matter how much this sucks. The fact that I am longing for a banana with peanut butter on it, is silly…but I want to make it to that stage and I will.
I was warned that this was hard, but I had no idea just how difficult it truly was. I was warned that this would be the most challenging time in my life, and it is so true. Giving birth to a baby without an epidural was challenging, but guys, this is worse!!! Is it worth all of the effort? Is it worth all of the lonely times I spend in my living room drinking tea and water? Is it worth being dizzy, and barely being able to pick my two year old up off the ground at the end of the day, is it worth snapping at my spouse daily, is it worth not being able to run around the back yard with my daughter… I’ll find out July 19th. But I can almost promise you it is not worth it, and this will probably be the last time I compete. If I could remain this lean and keep my prep time at 8 weeks only, the maybe I will compete, but a 16 week show prep…. not going to happen again. What I am doing to my body is extreme, and in my opinion … not healthy at all. Yes I am eating cleaner and healthier than ever before, but the lack of fruit, healthy carbs and sugars, and calories… is stupid. I like to be lean, and I will always eat clean and healthy but a 6 pack does not matter that much to me! A 6 pack is not worth my social life, and my relationship with my family. I am a social butterfly, and love to get out and have fun! I love to enjoy fine foods, and fruit!!! I love dark chocolate and wine. I love a large steak with mixed veggies, and a baked potato. I love fruit smoothies with all natural peanut butter. I love having some pop corn at the movies. I love all around healthy balance and that is what I preach. Bikini comp prep is not what I preach and it will not be what I preach! But I wanted this experience. I told myself I would do it, and I am going to! SO I will continue to eat my 6 tiny meals of protein and veggies, I will eat my morning oats, I will chew my gum all day, I will drink more coffee than normal, I will drink a gallon and a half of water and I will try to live as sanely and healthy as possible through this prep but it ain’t going to be easy but I need to find a way to stay strong during family events and outings. My dicipline is shaken. Crying over a french fry that would normally do nothing for me is not worth it.