With each contraction, the tears in my eyes became heavier and heavier. With each contraction, I would imagine what they looked like. Jack had jet black hair, almond-shaped eyes, and pale skin, I imagined William looking far more like me than Eric, and then I imagined her … she would have looked like Scarlett, but with darker hair and darker brown eyes. As the contractions became stronger and stronger I would fade into another world. I would tightly grab the sheets of the bed. I would close my eyes and just disappear. “Anita you are ready to deliver, we are going to go ahead and do this.” I went to another world and I just disappeared. In that moment I had so wished I could have had a C-Section, but that would not have been as safe for my body as a vaginal delivery. I was pissed that I would have to give birth. How cruel.
When the nurses asked me if I wanted an epidural I said no. I wanted to feel each and every moment of pain. I was so angry and in so much emotional pain, I just wanted to feel the pain physically. When the contractions came the misery can’t be put into words. The pain with Jack was just as painful as with Scarlett except, there was no baby at the end to be excited about. There wasn’t going to be a living human in my arms. I yelled out during Jack’s delivery “I can’t do this, I just want to die. I can’t.” My nurse leaned into my face and said “You are going to do this and you are going to go on to have more children and you have a beautiful girl at home to fight for, so push!” I remember my Sister in law holding me and saying “you can do this!”
The mental pain was just as terrible as the physical pain. I was scared to hold him, I was scared to see him, I didn’t want to see where there could have been pain or injury. I knew that at the end of this agony, I would be met with even more pain and grief. It just wasn’t fare and it still isn’t. When they laid him in my arms I almost passed out. It was to much for me to grasp. I was in shock. I closed my eyes and put my head to his and felt his cold skin against mine. I looked up at Eric and cried “WHY?!”. He began to cry and put his for head on mine. I learned in this moment that I could never do this again. I could never hold my dead baby and say goodbye. For months I laid on his nursery room floor holding his urn and crying. On our trip to Bora Bora that summer I spent a lot of time in our hut on the water screaming and crying.
When I lost William and Lilly I decided to not look at them or hold them. I know that he may seem cold and heartless but I just couldn’t do it. I knew that Lilly had been in my stomach for 3 weeks deceased. I knew that William had a cord around his neck. I took a look at William’s body and it killed me. I just couldn’t even look with Lilly. I felt her tiny body come out and I could tell that her body was not something I needed to remember her as. During her contractions, I imagined this beautiful angel with long flowing jet black hair, almond-shaped eyes, and pale skin. I imagined her as a teenager and as an adult. I imagined her smiling at me and telling me that she was happy. I imagined her and her Daddy dancing together at a Daddy daughter dance. I imagined her as an adult putting on makeup and getting in her car for work. I imagined the life that she would never have. I imagined the relationship we would never have. I look at my Scarlett and the miracle that she is. I look at all of the memories that she and I have had together and how those memories were stolen from me with the 3 babies that I have lost. My love for Scarlett and Warren is so deep and so incredible that when I think of those beautiful angels, I think about all of the things that were taken from us. All of those beautiful emotions and memories …lost to the wind.